Just about 1 year ago (pt. 2)
So continuing on somewhere after I left off from last time...
I returned from Indiana, and to tell you the truth most of it is a blur. My thesis was due before the end of the month and I still hadn't finished collecting data. I was stressed out about the different offers but didn't really have the time or willpower to really think about what I actually wanted. I knew I didn't want to let anybody down. It all sounds so easy from the outside. "You wouldn't be letting anyone down, Elaine!" "Wouldn't you always regret not going to Japan?" "You can always go back to America and become a teacher later," etc. etc.
But no, the thoughts in my head were the exploding masses of whether I was a good or bad person. Whether I could abandon my third grade classroom in Sacramento waiting for me. Whether I could let down my future housemate Joe, who was so sweet and ready to be newcomers to the community we were joining. To this day I still remember and pray for him, and I hope with all my heart that the program found another person to be that third grade teacher in Sacramento. Unfortunately I didn't keep up and find out what happened...but I am getting a little ahead of myself.
Finally, I turned in my thesis, on April 26 or something like that. A blood vessel had popped in one of my eyes. I had a terrible cough and when I turned in my thesis, and one of the research assistants told me that I looked like I hadn't slept in a week and that I had lost 10 lbs. At some point the redness spread to the other eye and I was afraid I had pink eye. So I made an appointment with health services for right after the time my thesis was due, and the doctor had me on eye drops, antibiotics, and lots of sleep. And I did.. For a long time. I'm pretty sure I woke up and my boy told me that Osama had been found and killed.
And it was after all this that I finally got around to thinking about the future. So lather, rinse, repeat, I called my mom, cried a lot, when back and forth, and ultimately decided that I would move to Sacramento.
Sometime later (later that day or later that week, I couldn't remember), I found myself in the SciLi with my suite mates, selling cupcakes for FA. It had been a long long time since all four of us were together, so we abandoned our regular business and just kind of vegged together. We took a picture, lay on the couches, it was real nice.
And then Sonia got the call. With the 3 of us nearby, she eagerly spoke with someone from Fulbright. It was one of those movie moments again. And as the gates of opportunity opened up for my best friend, it was almost as if the small voice in my head started getting louder again. I called my mom again, right there in the SciLi lobby, and lying on a couch like at the shrink's office, I poured my heart out once more. What were my reasons for not going to Japan?
And what it came down to was, I was afraid, afraid of so many things--letting people down, leaving family, being far away. But when in my whole life had I ever let being afraid be my motivating factor? Many times, I know for sure. But never for the big things. And I wasn't going to start with this.
My poor mom must have been so confused. Earlier she hears me go on about how I'm going to stop talking about Japan, and then I flip later and say that now I want to go. I definitely wasn't all that sound in judgment, but now that all's been said and done, I do feel like I made the right decision.
After that night, things started falling into place: sending the documents, telling the other program, finally talking to my professors about my decision process, feeling good about how things were going. Later that week, Jeffrey and I had a really nice dinner, and he talked about how he hoped he would be able to go abroad too. Cue the next movie moment, but the next morning, he woke up to a call from JET asking if he was still interested--things were really falling into place.
I'll save the rest for next time, but I mean, if you're reading this you already know the ending. I've been in Japan, and I'm doing well and having a good time. I will be going home in August but I think that is the right thing to do as well. I'll just wrap up this story real nice and just round out this epically long reflection. Until next time :)
I returned from Indiana, and to tell you the truth most of it is a blur. My thesis was due before the end of the month and I still hadn't finished collecting data. I was stressed out about the different offers but didn't really have the time or willpower to really think about what I actually wanted. I knew I didn't want to let anybody down. It all sounds so easy from the outside. "You wouldn't be letting anyone down, Elaine!" "Wouldn't you always regret not going to Japan?" "You can always go back to America and become a teacher later," etc. etc.
But no, the thoughts in my head were the exploding masses of whether I was a good or bad person. Whether I could abandon my third grade classroom in Sacramento waiting for me. Whether I could let down my future housemate Joe, who was so sweet and ready to be newcomers to the community we were joining. To this day I still remember and pray for him, and I hope with all my heart that the program found another person to be that third grade teacher in Sacramento. Unfortunately I didn't keep up and find out what happened...but I am getting a little ahead of myself.
Finally, I turned in my thesis, on April 26 or something like that. A blood vessel had popped in one of my eyes. I had a terrible cough and when I turned in my thesis, and one of the research assistants told me that I looked like I hadn't slept in a week and that I had lost 10 lbs. At some point the redness spread to the other eye and I was afraid I had pink eye. So I made an appointment with health services for right after the time my thesis was due, and the doctor had me on eye drops, antibiotics, and lots of sleep. And I did.. For a long time. I'm pretty sure I woke up and my boy told me that Osama had been found and killed.
And it was after all this that I finally got around to thinking about the future. So lather, rinse, repeat, I called my mom, cried a lot, when back and forth, and ultimately decided that I would move to Sacramento.
Sometime later (later that day or later that week, I couldn't remember), I found myself in the SciLi with my suite mates, selling cupcakes for FA. It had been a long long time since all four of us were together, so we abandoned our regular business and just kind of vegged together. We took a picture, lay on the couches, it was real nice.
 |
| I still remember how excited we were to all be at the SciLi at the same time. |
And what it came down to was, I was afraid, afraid of so many things--letting people down, leaving family, being far away. But when in my whole life had I ever let being afraid be my motivating factor? Many times, I know for sure. But never for the big things. And I wasn't going to start with this.
My poor mom must have been so confused. Earlier she hears me go on about how I'm going to stop talking about Japan, and then I flip later and say that now I want to go. I definitely wasn't all that sound in judgment, but now that all's been said and done, I do feel like I made the right decision.
After that night, things started falling into place: sending the documents, telling the other program, finally talking to my professors about my decision process, feeling good about how things were going. Later that week, Jeffrey and I had a really nice dinner, and he talked about how he hoped he would be able to go abroad too. Cue the next movie moment, but the next morning, he woke up to a call from JET asking if he was still interested--things were really falling into place.
I'll save the rest for next time, but I mean, if you're reading this you already know the ending. I've been in Japan, and I'm doing well and having a good time. I will be going home in August but I think that is the right thing to do as well. I'll just wrap up this story real nice and just round out this epically long reflection. Until next time :)
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