Yay work...
It's so easy to get burned out. But if it really is that easy, does that mean that I wasn't resilient enough in the first place?
It's the final countdown here Japan-side, and my work as an ALT will soon be over. Day-to-day, I have lapses of "gosh, I'm just starting to get the hang of this" and "man, wouldn't it be great if the kids had one ALT for the whole school year for once"...stuff like that. A part of me still wishes that I could have made a read difference. And sometimes I fall into the trap of thinking that I actually did.
I'm gloomy today, I think that's pretty easy to tell. I just had one of those classes where it was like there was an invisible wall between me and the students, filtering out only what I was saying. Nothing seemed fun, everything seemed like I was torturing them. And I realized that it was probably a good thing that they were getting someone new next term, at least the excitement of getting a new person can spark their curiosity to actually try again.
So that coupled with the news dropped after class..."I'm sorry, but we might not be able to have your fifth lesson," dropped off-handedly like I should have been expecting it. (And I probably should have been expecting it, it seemed to happen every term...). But 3 times really is 3 times too many. And this last time hurts a lot, because those were supposed to be my last lessons ever, my last hurrah, to break the news to the students that I was leaving and to leave them with a fun fabulous memory of English class. I don't teach that many students already, only teaching one class of third years and teaching first years once every two weeks. So it kind of feels like my stomach has been gutted out not being able to have a last hurrah with the first years...
I got back to my desk and my emotions literally roller coastered. I was angry at the stupid scheduling system that can't ensure that my classes will be rescheduled, I was angry at the teachers for seeing my classes as something movable and unnecessary to their English curriculum, then I was angry at myself for caring so much. The skeptical side of me realized that I had just come from a class that barely had a pulse and maybe it would be better to leave things that way. Why pump myself up for a big final class just to feel emotionally dejected at my inability to translate the fun and exciting ideas in my head to an actually classroom experience? Maybe the first years are a lost cause, I still have the third years who actually cared if I was leaving or not.
But still I told the teacher that I would take any class periods after the exam period, that I would take any teacher's class periods (like if the science or math teacher had no plans for the class period and was just going to have them study).. She laughed because I don't think she understood what I meant. So I thought that maybe I should tell the first year department chief. Maybe I should tell all the department chiefs, I didn't care if they were first or second or third year students, I just wanted to have a bit of fun before I left and show the kids that there are lots of fun things to do in English. Maybe I could even overfill my schedule and get to see every class in the whole school.
Maybe I should stop taking so many happy pills...
Because really, why should I care? Shouldn't I be like, yay less classes I get to finish work earlier! There's no point to my class anyway except to give the kids a break. I also thought, "well, sucks for them, the kids get to miss out on some fun." And maybe it's better to just leave everything well enough alone.
But the thing is, I think before I came to Japan, I would have been the type of person that really wanted those classes, and would have tried to find some way to get it through. Do I want to think that Japan and working has changed me into the type of person that is going to be okay with slinking out the exits like I wasn't here at all?
Basically, it all makes me feel really really sad, and really really small...
It's the final countdown here Japan-side, and my work as an ALT will soon be over. Day-to-day, I have lapses of "gosh, I'm just starting to get the hang of this" and "man, wouldn't it be great if the kids had one ALT for the whole school year for once"...stuff like that. A part of me still wishes that I could have made a read difference. And sometimes I fall into the trap of thinking that I actually did.
I'm gloomy today, I think that's pretty easy to tell. I just had one of those classes where it was like there was an invisible wall between me and the students, filtering out only what I was saying. Nothing seemed fun, everything seemed like I was torturing them. And I realized that it was probably a good thing that they were getting someone new next term, at least the excitement of getting a new person can spark their curiosity to actually try again.
So that coupled with the news dropped after class..."I'm sorry, but we might not be able to have your fifth lesson," dropped off-handedly like I should have been expecting it. (And I probably should have been expecting it, it seemed to happen every term...). But 3 times really is 3 times too many. And this last time hurts a lot, because those were supposed to be my last lessons ever, my last hurrah, to break the news to the students that I was leaving and to leave them with a fun fabulous memory of English class. I don't teach that many students already, only teaching one class of third years and teaching first years once every two weeks. So it kind of feels like my stomach has been gutted out not being able to have a last hurrah with the first years...
I got back to my desk and my emotions literally roller coastered. I was angry at the stupid scheduling system that can't ensure that my classes will be rescheduled, I was angry at the teachers for seeing my classes as something movable and unnecessary to their English curriculum, then I was angry at myself for caring so much. The skeptical side of me realized that I had just come from a class that barely had a pulse and maybe it would be better to leave things that way. Why pump myself up for a big final class just to feel emotionally dejected at my inability to translate the fun and exciting ideas in my head to an actually classroom experience? Maybe the first years are a lost cause, I still have the third years who actually cared if I was leaving or not.
But still I told the teacher that I would take any class periods after the exam period, that I would take any teacher's class periods (like if the science or math teacher had no plans for the class period and was just going to have them study).. She laughed because I don't think she understood what I meant. So I thought that maybe I should tell the first year department chief. Maybe I should tell all the department chiefs, I didn't care if they were first or second or third year students, I just wanted to have a bit of fun before I left and show the kids that there are lots of fun things to do in English. Maybe I could even overfill my schedule and get to see every class in the whole school.
Maybe I should stop taking so many happy pills...
Because really, why should I care? Shouldn't I be like, yay less classes I get to finish work earlier! There's no point to my class anyway except to give the kids a break. I also thought, "well, sucks for them, the kids get to miss out on some fun." And maybe it's better to just leave everything well enough alone.
But the thing is, I think before I came to Japan, I would have been the type of person that really wanted those classes, and would have tried to find some way to get it through. Do I want to think that Japan and working has changed me into the type of person that is going to be okay with slinking out the exits like I wasn't here at all?
Basically, it all makes me feel really really sad, and really really small...
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