Pick me up with some caffeine


12.13

It's been a rough few days for me...and for all my exam-taking, stressed-being, semester-ending, work-inundated, life-is-so-crazy-right-now buddies, this will probably rub you the wrong way. For me, the past few days have been...well, empty. Full of nothing (accidental juxtaposition). I go to work, and it might as well be like I am not there. I have nothing assigned, nothing to catch up on, I asked other teachers for help and they say no thanks, and so I go on my own merry way practicing Japanese, Christmas art projects I make for myself, reading. From 8:20am to 4:10pm. Every day since last Tuesday. And probably every day until school gets out.

And as much as I would like to go into a full on rant about why this makes me feel so awful--I hear the other perspective loud and clear. Be happy with it. Be happy earning money while just about nothing. You're so lucky. Are you sure there isn't anything else you could be doing? Why don't you try doing X/Y/Z?

I hear it. I know. Do you think I'm the kind of person that hasn't thought these things already?

Try harder then.

Okay fine, I will. I am. Well it doesn't change that right now, I don't feel so good. That each of the past few days I come home and I have to dig super deep to find SOMETHING good and real that I did that day. That the list of things I think about myself include useless, chair-warming, and unnecessary. It just doesn't feel good.

And I can't pinpoint exactly why this makes me feel this way, or if there's actually more to it. Maybe this is a passing feeling, maybe this is just a reality check to get off my cloud that I am not really useful anyway. Maybe I can and should be doing more if it really bothers me. I don't know. Maybe right now I just feel like  letting it out that I feel bad. And maybe I should stop complaining.

Yeah, I think that's enough. Sorry it did end up turning into a rant, and it might be a bad idea to post this. But I'm a big fan of the "in 6 months I'll look back and love that I can think back to a specific moment that I might have forgotten written in my own words." And honestly, I've been feeling like this on and off just about the whole time I've been here, so it's kind of unfair to just be all happy-go-lucky in blog world.

So if any of you need someone to edit your essays, look over cover letters, etc. Please send them over. I'm definitely not going to be doing any other kind of school work anytime soon.



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