On Being Healthy

Day 5: "What do you do to stay fit or be a healthy individual?"

I'm the "big" one ;)

Ahhh...I didn't like the sound of this one when I saw it on the calendar. Well, I didn't like the idea of writing on this topic, but actually reading posts from other bloggers has been really nice, and in a way has helped me feel better about just getting on the computer and writing this post. Ever since I was a kid, I've always felt self-conscious about being bigger than the kids around me. When I was younger, it was mostly due to the fact that I was many years older than the a lot of the kids my family hung out with, but I didn't connect that until much later. During a Christmas party, one of the younger kids described me as "She's big" and I remember feeling like I wanted to die in my seat. What I didn't realize is that "big" probably just meant "tall", and probably any 9-yr-old girl would seem big to a 5-yr-old boy regardless of her weight.

(As I'm writing this I just want to go back in time and give my younger self a hug :/)

Anyway, that's the long way of saying that for a long time, I operated under the impression that, if I was a already a big girl and there was nothing I could do about it, I might as well eat what I want and enjoy it. I really liked vegetables anyway, so it was more eating any snacks I wanted and not restricting. Even though I was an active person, on the basketball team and doing ballet outside of school, it wasn't really to get fit. I didn't see my body as something I could work on, but something to work with. I dressed like a big girl and felt like a big girl. It was like two sides of me were at odds--I ate whatever I wanted but at the same time I didn't like what I saw in the mirror and wished I could change.

And then, something did change. A mix of puberty and braces fixing my overbite and allergies calming down and going to high school and who knows what else, I started liking what I saw. Maybe it was because I was starting to buy my own clothes and developing my own style. Maybe it is true what they say about all-girls schools letting girls be more comfortable with themselves, I don't really know. I still ate whatever I wanted but tried to find a balance between sweet and healthy. I knew I wasn't the skinniest girl, but I also knew that I wasn't unhealthy.

In college, I went through the typical Freshman-15 then losing it then gaining it back again.  It didn't really matter so much as long as I could dress the way I wanted and buy clothes that I liked. I walked a lot and ate a lot and drank a lot (but didn't snack so much since I got food from the dining hall) and danced a lot and laughed A LOT. And when a post-college visit to the doctor confirmed that I had low blood pressure, low cholesterol, and regular blood sugar (which is what I was worried about because I have diabetes in my family), I felt really really good about my body, maybe for the first time.



In Japan last year, I was under an incredible amount of stress. Self-inflicted, no doubt, as the expectations placed on me by my workplace were next to none. So I ate a lot in Japan...pretty much feeling like, I was far away from family and friends and couldn't be with them, but I could go to the sushi train restaurant and eat all this yummy yummy food...not so healthy. But to de-stress over the weekends, I would take the train somewhere new or old and just walk for hours, taking pictures and window shopping. It didn't matter how far I was walking, it was an adventure and I always saw cool things...so slightly more healthy. And as a result I actually trimmed up unexpectedly.

What I've found over the years is the way I think about my body and my life has had a much greater impact on whether I feel healthy. For me, stress can be a good motivator, but a negative self-image isn't. 

Probably my dread with writing this post stemmed from the gnawing feeling that I need to be reminded of this even right now. I recently went on a walking excursion with a friend, and after looking at the pictures I almost didn't want to upload them. For a slightly-too-addicted to Facebook kind of girl, I knew that that really meant I didn't want people to see how I've gotten bigger. In addition, my cousin's sweet 16 is at the end of the month, and I've already been trying to shed the extra weight I've gained since coming back home. It's the first time I've really "dieted" and it started off well but I haven't been able to sustain it. In writing this post, it's very clear that being more active has been what I'm been missing. Since I don't walk to work/school or sight see by walking anymore, I've been walking much less than I ever have probably. It didn't help that I injured my toe last month, but thankfully it's finally looking like it's actually healing and I can get back to not being worried someone is going to step on it all the time. ;) 

Thus, my steps to living a more healthy life are as follows:

1) Feel good about my body by dressing up however I like

2) Keep eating healthy since it feels good, especially since mangoes and strawberries are in season

3) Drink more water (I have never been very good at this.)

4) Go back to ballet class since my toe injury is just about healed

5) Take more walks in the afternoon, and bring the doggie along too

Phew...that was cathartic and emotionally draining at the same time. I'm looking forward to reading more #bedm posts on this topic. :) Also, Happy Cinco de Mayo! :)